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Port Harcourt
Monday, May 20, 2024



Men! We can’t live without them yet still can’t live with them. Sometimes I ask how it’s possible to feel such contradictory emotions towards this special breed of humans who must be from far away planets like Venus, Jupiter, or even Pluto but not Planet Earth, at least not the one we’re currently living on.Why do I say so, you might ask? Well, I find it difficult to understand how all that REALLY matters to them is sex, food, and football; notice I emphasised the word “really” because I want to believe that other things matter to them— it’s just that those things seem secondary. Little wonder guys go to any length to get into ladies’ panties, even if it means saying ridiculous lines like, “You remind me so much of Beyonce,” when clearly, the lady looks like an ugly duckling.

I guess that’s also why our mothers always say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I bet it didn’t take them too long to discover that; every man loves good food. It’s obvious; you can almost see them wagging their imaginary tails like little puppies when a delicious plate of their favourite meal is placed in front of them. As for the football madness, I can’t tell when it started; only heaven knows where they picked that annoying habit because our forefathers never watched football. My boyfriend is a die-hard Chelsea fan; I suddenly become invisible when he’s watching football.

Suppose you ever come to visit us during a football match, you’ll catch him shouting instructions at the players on TV like a mad man and screaming when the players don’t seem to be listening to him while I sit there in annoyance, trying not to jump out of my skin, praying he doesn’t break the TV screen by accident. It’s a pathetic case. My best friend once told me, “Sonia, if you want your man to be happy, just give him good sex, make him awesome meals, and don’t come between him and his football game. ” I’m not sure I want to agree with him, if it was that simple then why is it so difficult to keep a man? Why are men so scared of commitment like it’s the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) or something?

Oh! By the way, HIV may not have a cure, but it can be managed effectively with antiretroviral drugs to enable longer life. The only way to prevent HIV is abstinence, being faithful to your partner, or using condoms. There’s no way to know if that hot guy or girl you’re tripping for has HIV. That’s why it’s essential to get tested regularly, at least every three months, to know your status and ensure the commencement of antiretroviral drugs on time if you’re found to be positive. You are wondering how I know so much about it? Well, let’s just say I’m a doctor on paper. I studied medicine at university only to please my parents; since they couldn’t force it down my brothers’ throats, I became the sacrificial lamb to the world of medicine. I wonder why parents do this sometimes. If I weren’t intelligent, my life would’ve been so miserable in school because, trust me, med school is no joke. I’m glad it’s over now.

At least I get the chance to pursue a career in filmmaking as I’ve always wanted. Yup! I’ve wanted to be a movie director since I was ten, and I’m living my dream. It’s much more fun than being a doctor, trust me! I don’t practise as a doctor, though I have the medical knowledge, so feel free to call me Dr when you see me. Even though I can’t guarantee that you will get a response because I forget I’m a doctor sometimes. Enough about me and my career, back to the topic at hand. I’ve spent my whole life surrounded by men; I grew up as an only girl, constantly bullied by her two senior brothers, pampered by her father, and overprotected by them all. My best friend is male, and I’m currently dating the most annoying guy on the planet, but I love him all the same.

You’d think I should at least understand them after being around so many men, right? Unfortunately, I don’t. I still don’t know what goes through their little minds. I can’t explain why they do the things they do; I don’t know what it is about them that makes them so irreplaceable, and I’m not sure exactly why we women hate them so much sometimes. Still, after much fruitless brain-racking, I’ve decided to conduct a little research, using the men in my life as my specimen. I want to find out what makes men cheat on their beautiful partners with sometimes uglier women. And why are they turned on by boobs and butts which are just fat cells growing in the right places? I want to know what makes them so scared of commitment and find out why they do these things that make us hate them so much sometimes. By the end of my research, I hope to have answered these and many more questions. Please stick around as I will introduce my specimens to you shortly.

The journey begins in Episode 2 , stay tuned!

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